So I feel like because its another new year, I’m almost obligated to look back on the last year and think of all the crappy junk and figure out what I want to change. Or soemthing.
So, I’ve decided to post here a list of things I’d like to do/change…no guarantees on any of them, but there are a few I really hope to have happen.
- Find more balance between relationships with people and my own life. I need to find better ways to spend time alone, and with others! (Mostly my parents, and cozybooknook.tumblr.com, and my roomie, plus a few other pals, and my fiance, and still find time for myself….yikes.)
- Manage my money better.
- Read more.
- Take care of myself more.
- Learn how to say “No.”
- Play more music.
- Study harder.
- Figure out what I want to do with my life.
- Stop feeling bad about things I can’t change or affect.
I’m sure there are probably more.
Its been a whirlwind of a year, and sometimes I really can’t even comprehend how much has happened…I can’t believe there are friends I still haven’t seen in MONTHS (literally), and I just don’t feel like I’m on top of my own life.
Oh well, heres to a fresh start.
Everything is lame.
I dont know, I’m tired of a lot, and I’m grumpy, and kind of sick, and I still feel like a huge douchy idiot because of things this weekend, and I just don’t like stuff. I dont know if its because of the weather or what, or maybe because it gets dark so early…who knows.
I have a huge ass paper due friday. That i haven’t started. Ok, thats kind of a lie, because I have some of the research done, but I have so much to do, I’m not even organized a little bit.
Fiance and I started looking at the weddign stuff, which i’m excited about, but at the same time I just dont know how this is going to get done with all of this degree-doing i have to get done by then. BLAH!
Also-broke as fuck. And its just before christmas. Great. I dont really know what I’m going to do. How the fuck are you supposed to afford education and housing in todays world? It makes no fucking sense. Like, legit. I’m as broke as a fucking….broken thing. I can’t even think of snappy metaphors.
I’m sick. Probably because i’m a huge douche and got drunk on the weekend, and decided that i was going to be super “tough” and smoke about a thousand cigarettes. Straight up. now I’m hacking, and regretting it. UGH why can’t i just stop doing that?
That really brings up another cool point, which I happen to hate about myself-why do i do these stupid things when I’m drunk? I don’t when I’m around like, my bestie, but when I’m out and about I feel the need to overcompensate-I think it comes down to the fact that when I’m sober and walking around I feel like I just don’t measure up to anyone else…so when I’m drunk, I decide I’m going to be the “cool” one and thennnnn I just end up being a huge fuckhead loser. Whatever. Its just dumb.
I’m just tired of time going so fast, and I dont seem to be able to find the time to see the people I want to, or do the things that I want. You know those videos of people standing in the same place? And everything is moving in hyperspeed around them? Thats what I feel like. Like I’m standing in the middle, maybe smiling every once in a while, but I’m just standing there, and everything is happening TO me, but I’m not controlling any of it.
I wonder a lot if I’m ever going to find a happy balance between things…between being out of control and being in control.
I’m scared too, that this stupid bipolar thing is going to get in the way….how am I going to react to the stress this time? Go manic? Get more piercings? A tattoo? Drink till I fucking can’t remember shit again? Who knows. I’ll just do more stupid things. Or maybe get depressed? Sleep all day…eat a ton, then nothing at all for a few days…cry….
I just wish I could shut my brain off for a few mins. Thats all.
Ok, so today I would like to rant. A lot.
Frig I hate this stupid “holiday”.
Why in the name of Sam Hill would any self-respecting individual with any sort of education partake in such a dumb holiday?
Now, I have to say that this year, yes, this hypocrite is partaking in Halloween activities. Only because an organization that B is involved in is putting on a party, and seeing as he is the VP, I am going in support.
Since, over the past 3 years I have watched movies with my mother in a hotel room (2008), gone to visit my grandmother (2009), and gone for elective minor surgery on the 31st of October (2010), I had to do some research-what the hell does one wear to a ridiculous pagan holiday celebration??
In my travels through the wonderful WWW, I found that costumes were grouped in to 3 main categories: “sexy”, “plus-sized”, and “mens”.
What. The. Fuck.
There was no “I would like to dress up, but also not look like I just walked out of a strip club on theme night”.
As I flipped though, I realized that apparently, you can change anything into a “sexy” costume. Something that is supposed to be terrifying or gross, suddenly becomes a sexual desire. Sexy Zombie. Whatever happened to flesh eating monsters? Sexy Spider. Spiders are pretty cool, they eat bugs. They also brutally rip apart and eat their mates after fornication. Wanna bang with that sexy spider now? How about a sexy nurse? After she gives you an enema and jabs you with needles? Did I mention that all of the models in these costumes have huge fake boobs and a totally flat stomach? And are almost all white, and blonde? Unless the costume requires them to be a brunette? Regardless of the fact that no one really looks like that and even pagan holidays are now plagued with visions of unattainable beauty thanks to photoshop…Anyways, I digress.
So, next, we have the “plus sized” category. So in this category, you are pretty limited as to what you can be. Things with long dresses. Same general outfit as the “sexy” costumes, but longer. Or with less flattering fabric. These were actually less offensive than most, but why is it that its much easier to find a conservative costume if you’re buying it in “big” sizes? So now big girls can’t wear sexy? So NOW we’re going even further. Now we are stereotyping. Skinny=sexy, big=not sexy. So I can be conservative, and look nice, but I’m not allowed to be sexy if I’m plus-sized. There is also a huge disconnect between the amount of different costumes that can be purchased for plus-sized customers. Even though the average size is a 14 in the USA (I can’t find much data for Canadian women). How does this make any sense?
I took a quick browse though the “mens” section on these websites after that. What I got from that, is men can be whatever they want! Suggestive, hilarious, manly…You can be a “breathalyzer” test where the “blow here” part is conveniently nestled right above your crotch, or you can be a manly caveman with a big stick (which also conveniently comes with a helpless cavewoman counterpart…a “sexy” cave woman. don’t people realize that cave people did not have brushes? Or razors? Or deodorant? Or you know, high heels? What the hell people.), or he can even dress up as a cartoon character or superhero. And his costume isn’t clinging to his body. Its just a normal costume…
So I say, we just worked to be recognized for our minds, rather than just our bodies and ability to pop out babies and cook, and now we are “taking it back” by dressing in a way that on any regular day would cause most of our female counterparts to look at us and whisper “slut” under our breath, or think “what a skank” as we walk by. Instead, we do it all at the same time, and then who can say anything right? If my female peers all have their titties bouncing all over the place as they dance around dressed like a sexy butterfly (insects soooo turn people on, come on, and which bugs DON’T wear heels?) Sounds like a great freakin idea. Oh, and don’t forget the next day, after all of your festivities, and possible lay, all thanks to being a sexy army lady (you do realize that your skin would fail at camouflaging you, and your cute little costume would probably get you shot right in the freaking head) to call some guy a perv for checking out that chick’s cleavage in the mall. What a skank. Who wears a shirt that low? All sarcasm aside, don’t lose your values over a night that you can wear what you want. I don’t understand how women can say that they are “conservative” dressers, but on Halloween, there is more combined skin showing at their parties than a damn Playboy magazine. Save it for the bedroom.
Dear people in my sociology class,
Yes, our prof has required us to write a comment on each of the theorist’s writings. Yes, I read Marx. No, I don’t really care that much about how you feel about my opinion. Please stop trying to start an intellectual conversation via eclass, I have much more important things to do.
OK THANKS BYE.
So, I hate being sick. It seems like the city just seems to make me sick. Every time I move here I seem to get sick! So, sticking to the house and drinking some tea…
Also, today I found an amazingly inspiring blog. She actually lost the weight that I’d like to, and shes younger than me! I actually have something that I want to lose weight for-my wedding dress. Thankfully, its a long engagement, so I have some time to do so. I’ve gotta work hard to get there…but I think I can do it.
Ok, so, I’m procrastinating doing my readings for tomorrow in doing this…but as per usual, I have been thinking a lot, and want to type it out for random people to read…thats what we do in the 21st century, right?
Speaking of thinking…you know why I do it so much? All day, unless I’m home with my awesome roomie/brother (best roommate ever :P), I don’t talk. I sit alone in class, I really avoid people, and I avoid speaking pretty much all day long. Take tomorrow for example, I start my day with sign language, a class that I take for 2.5 hours, in which no speaking or writing is allowed. I love it! That and my huge lectures. I just kind of stay lost in thought all day long.
Anyways, decidedly, its time for a life change. I know, I know, i’ve said that so many times.
But seriously, I feel like something is lacking right now.
I dont know what it is…maybe it has to do with the fact that I literally missed almost every Sunday Mass this summer…maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m praying so inconsistently, maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m not taking care of myself the way I should.
So, I’m going to start with this. With Tumblr. I have written a lot of angry things, which no, I’m not going to remove, because at the time, it was what I was feeling and thinking. I haven’t decided if I’m going to re-name the whole thing, but I may. If I do, have it be known that before this, my Blog was called “can’t kill kenny”.
I need a shift. A change of pace. I hate to say it, but maybe a move somewhere after I’m done this degree IS in order. Somewhere I can just be, and do my thing. Hopefully, my dearest B will want to come with me, and of course I will miss a few people…but I dont know if I would really miss many besides my family.
There is something just not right about where I am right now. I’m sure of some things, like my relationship, and finishing my degree, etc, but there is a lot of soul searching I need to do yet.
I need to discover who I’m supposed to be. I think I need to focus on some meditation and self-discovery. Man, I feel like I’m the most lost and complicated person ever. I can’t figure myself out. :/ Blah.
Anyways…hopeful from now on.
Hopeful, happy, prayerful, peaceful. :)